Sometimes, Behaviour Speaks Louder Than Words

Parent calmly listening to their child communicate through behaviour.

I used to hear people say “behaviour is communication.”
Honestly? It sounded like something nice you’d see on a poster.

But then I started noticing patterns — not just in my work, but at home with my three kids. The more I looked, the more it felt like each behaviour was a line in a conversation we hadn’t quite learned to translate.

And once you start listening differently, everything changes.

Why we miss the message

When emotions run high, our brains switch to survival mode. Heart rate goes up, breathing speeds up — the parts that listen and think clearly go offline for a bit. (That’s the amygdala taking the wheel.)

So when your child screams, throws something, or refuses, it’s easy to react instead of interpret. But behavioural science tells us every behaviour has a function — it does something for the person doing it. Usually, it’s trying to:

  1. Get something (attention, activity, object)
  2. Avoid something (demand, noise, change)
  3. Meet a sensory need (movement, pressure, stimulation)
  4. Connect (seek closeness or reassurance)

Recognising which message your child is sending is like finding the right radio frequency — once you’re tuned in, the static fades.

How to “listen” with calm logic

Here’s a simple way I practise this — both as a parent and a behaviour analyst:

  1. Notice the cue. Something always comes before behaviour — that’s the antecedent. Maybe a transition, a tone of voice, a sudden “no.”
  2. Pause. A short exhale buys you back thinking time. (The body’s version of hitting “save.”)
  3. Name what you see. “You’re frustrated because I said we have to leave.”
    “You wanted me to look at your drawing.”
  4. Reinforce calm recovery. “Thanks for taking a breath — that helped.”

It’s not magic, but it changes the emotional direction of the moment. Studies on co-regulation (Morris et al., 2007) show that when adults model calm, children mirror it faster than when we lecture or threaten.

The hidden maths of behaviour

My background is in mathematics, and I can’t help noticing patterns. Behaviour follows patterns too: what happens before, what happens after, and what the person gets from it.

If we change one part of that equation — usually our response — the whole pattern shifts. That’s behavioural science in action: observation, adjustment, reinforcement. It’s logic applied to compassion.

Finding meaning (and the humour) in the mess

I’ve learned more about behaviour from burnt toast than textbooks and conferences.
Every Saturday morning someone in our house insists on “doing it themselves.” Usually, that ends with the smoke alarm joining in.

But the message underneath isn’t defiance — it’s independence. They want to feel capable.
So now, I stand nearby with the fire extinguisher and a smile, ready to praise the attempt.

That’s behaviour as communication: looking past the smoke to see the message.

When behaviour feels too big

If you’re seeing frequent or unsafe behaviours, that’s not a reflection of poor parenting — it’s a signal for more support.

Behavioural science can help identify the “why,” but sometimes families need structured assessment and team planning.
If that’s you, talk to your GP, school SENCO, or a qualified behaviour specialist. The goal isn’t control — it’s understanding, safety, and skill-building.

The quiet truth

Every behaviour starts a conversation. Some are loud, some confusing, some heartbreaking.
When we learn to listen with curiosity instead of fear, we stop reacting and start relating.

That’s the heart of behavioural science — finding meaning, not blame.

Until next time — one calm choice at a time.

Free Resource

If you’d like a practical way to stay calm while decoding behaviour, download The Calm Parent Toolkit — short, evidence-based strategies you can use today.

🧩 Inside the toolkit:

  • 3 calm-down scripts for real-world moments
  • A “Co-Regulation Map” to spot what triggers you
  • A printable reflection sheet to track calm moments

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References

Carr et al. (2002). Positive behavior support: Evolution of an applied science. Journal of Positive Behavior Interventions, 4(1), 4–16.

Kazdin, A. E. (2005). Parent Management Training. Oxford University Press.

Morris et al. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361–388.

Lieberman et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428.

Eisenberg, N., et al. (1998). Emotion-related regulation: Its conceptualization, relations to social functioning, and socialization. Child Development, 69(2), 506–517.

Lieberman, M. D., et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428.